9: Return from the Countryside, Massage

5/17/09 Continued! Ants, towels, Massage disaster..ish

MORE ANTS!

Sadly ambers Japanese rice-crackers, which have lasted this whole time (though diminished from my munching on em) are INFESTED with fucking ants. Sealed with a plastic baggie, and elevated on the TV, I thought they’d be fine..well, NOPE. So that helped me be all pissed as well.

CHEERS FINAL cliff bar! I was pissy that I couldn’t have any food, but I’m always pissy when I’m hungry.

Got a new towel after some confusion (why does he need two? Sammie’s Vietnamese is VERY limited), showered, ate my damn cliff bar and mellowed.

We then had stuffed squid and..something, rice, and a little bit of octopus. I can’t eat that type of food as a staple in my diet, so I was rather hungry. But, I went out, and got a massage..this was funny.

60,000 for an hour, which is 3.3$ without tip.

I don’t speak a lick of English, and I got lost (almost) two days ago trying to find the spot, so this time I got it. White man = skip the line (muahhaha).

Noone here speaks English, so its all a comedy of stupidity.

1) towel boy watches me get nekkid to hand me towels etc, and just like China when I was little, they are a bit “curious” as to your bits.

2) three dudes are showering after there massage, one stall (out of three) is broken, so two are in the same stall. All have back-tattoo’s, shitty ones, so are probably criminals or similar.

We all go “hello” “GOA!” and laughing, there like “WTF A WHITE DUDE?” and its not exactly a touristy-location were in (Section 10 is more local / cheaper). The older guy walks out of his stall, all soaped up and says “Hello” shakes my hand…muahahah.

So I go into the sauna room, most intense sauna EVER in my life…only last about 10 min, its singing everything, but feels VERY good.

Shower, then upstairs in stupid looking boxers with two things, a key to a locker, and a little bag which is for your WALLET, but I thought it was for just the massage currency. Stupid language barrier. I’m then shown upstairs to a waiting cute little Vietnamese in a short skirt, who goes DUMAE! (fuck your mother! Its like saying, SHIT, or FUCK, so I use it frequently at the house to the family members. I’m humongous compared to her, she’s literally half my size, so its funny, very nicely showing me to watch my head etc.

I start on my back, its more of a SLAP SHOP SHAMWOW NUTS type massage, no lotion / oil, some Chinese style YOW YA YANNNG music going on in the background, with her pounding me like so much pork. Hahaha.

For the back she lunges onto a bar above and walks on my back, then while falling, slides her knees, then in a CIRCULAR motion, rubs my whole back / legs with her Knees. That was crazy, and felt pretty good for the knots. She walked on my legs, then cracked all my toes (AHHH MY BROKEN BIG TOE)! Offered to cut the nails, but I’m sure the cost would have been stupid.

Slap-chop, slap-chop rhythmically. Its like a sequence: rub / knead, then slap, chop (I’m saying Chop as in with the flat of her hand, the blade of the palm).

Flipping over, same thing, slap-chop, knead, slap-chop. Lots of focus on the legs and arms actually.

I think she was then trying to explain a happy ending, but ignorance of the Vietnamese language makes for a funny frustration (on her part). So I got a full massage instead, muahhaha, which was my focus, my neck has been a fucking shit show all trip getting used to the mattress on the floor etc.

She worked my back and neck a lot, and the sun burns helped out quit a bit when I showed her to work my base of skull all the way to the trap.

She did a VERY good job, kneading the shit out of it, cracking my whole back / neck (which came out of the blue, but was pleasant), then WHAM! She starts fucking karate chopping my neck! AHHHHHHGGG I feel everything retighten again, HAHAHAH.

Funny as well, she kept pinching my fat on my body: belly, love handles, etc..it was humorous as she’d giggle like a mad woman.

The language barrier is ridiculous, how much can you get across with a thumbs up and thumbs down with me being able to say Fuck Your Mother, and Excellent, and CHEERS!

Still, my neck feels much better today, so maybe having pussy massages isn’t the best thing in the world for me.

Walked back to the house, noting my feet and face still burning up.

I got back, started reading the Teachings of Don Juan: a nice book about an anthropologists experience with a Yacqui (SPL) Indian-shaman / Brujo (witch, if you say Brujeria to a Mexican / paisan it’ll be superstitious and rude / bad to say, so I used to say it in jail) and his tutelage in spirituality, power, and hallucinogenic.

Market

Very quick market trip, as were all pretty beat..but we got some shopping in.

Cab Adventures!

The “story” goes that Bill Clinton ate at this restaurant, hence the “President” themed title :D

[Google reveals: 1/2 of sources say yea, he did,, half say no..he never had Pho here :D]

(my timeline is all screwed up…not sure if this was today…henceforth, updating Windows Live Writer, which I am using now, to update Offline..)

MARKET RIPPAGE

At the market we got RIPPED off, immediately. Just had the young cousin with us, whom, not much better help as far as bartering as the older (I think apathy is the correct term):

Bought some nice touristy stuff, and though everything is about ~1/2 off at its PEAK level, you can still over pay. 2) cotton tee’s, 500 VND, 2 more, 425…4 shirts for ~950.000 VND, AHHH…these chicks are ultra aggressive: just grab your arm “Herro sir, you need shirt? We have your size!” etc, it bothered me and they stopped when I growled at em..cab was 33.000 home, it only took us 15 minutes to drop all of our cash lol

Nightlife was beginning to come together though, so we’ll have to cruise around their later.

I think it was 6pm when I crashed, HAHAHAH, though our nights are definitely early here (late is 10pm, were exhausted, were waking up on average at 6 AM, Sammie most of the mornings at 4 AM), I skipped out on dinner, though I could smell it.